Supporting a Loved One with OCD and Anxiety Disorders
OCD and anxiety based disorders don’t follow logic, even when it is very unlikely the thing your loved one is worried about will happen, their brain still tells them they need to solve the situation.
Supporting a loved one with OCD and/or anxiety related disorders such as separation anxiety, social anxiety, panic disorder, agoraphobia, emetophobia, and generalized anxiety disorder is hard. When we love someone, seeing them experience distressing emotions leads to a desire to help. This is an important element in relationships, but unfortunately can backfire when in the context of helping someone struggling with one of these disorders. You may notice over time they require more and more of your help this may come in the form of repeated reassurances, completing tasks that were once their responsibility (because they have fears related to the task), modifying your words and actions to avoid doing or saying things that may trigger their anxiety, answering repeated questions, and so much more. These behaviors are often called accommodations, because it is accommodating the OCD and anxiety. As accommodations increase it can start to feel like their disorder is becoming yours, because of the anxiety you feel about the possibility of them getting stuck on an anxiety related topic and the number of compulsive behaviors you are performing for and with them. This is one of two common reactions to a loved one facing anxiety; protecting. Protecting comes from a place of empathy and compassion and at the beginning it feels really good to both individuals, but as you have likely noticed as time goes on it isn’t working for either of you. Research has shown this approach is ineffective and that accommodating actually worsens the disorder (Lebowitz, et al., 2016).
OCD and anxiety based disorders don’t follow logic, even when it is very unlikely the thing your loved one is worried about will happen, their brain still tells them they need to solve the situation. You may hear their concerns and come from a place of having confidence that things will work out and they can make it through. This often leads to the second common way of responding which is called demanding. Comments including “it’s not that big of a deal, just do it,” “you don’t need to be so worried about this,” and “stop being so sensitive” are examples of some of the ways a demanding response may sound. While demanding responses do a great job of communicating that you aren’t worried about the situation and have confidence they can handle the situation, it can feel invalidating to the individual struggling with one of these diagnoses.
It is very common to have both of these responses depending on the situation and sometimes even with the same situation. After repeatedly doing a protective response behavior such as providing reassurances a frustrated individual may switch to a demanding approach and when an individual starts with a demanding response and still their loved one is struggling they may move to a more protective response. If you notice that you are struggling to support your loved one and are frequently responding in these ways, then you may benefit from meeting with a therapist trained in Supportive Parenting for Anxious Childhood Emotions (SPACE). I would love to help you learn how to better support your loved one and can work with you, if your loved one lives in Utah or Idaho. If they do not reside in either of those states you can find a registry of providers trained in SPACE here.
References
Lebowitz, E. R., Panza, K. E., & Bloch, M. H. (2016). Family accommodation in
obsessive-compulsive and anxiety disorders: A five-year update. Expert Review of Neurotherapeutics, 16, 45–53.
